I am at a loss as to how to even attempt to put into words the emotions and events of the past week. At moments, the fear and terror have been overwhelming and it’s easy to forget the joy and hope of a brand new life coming in this world. There is no “good” reason why all of this has happened and even through my distress at the fact that God has allowed it to happen, He has also been faithful in carrying Jonathan and our family thus far.
This past week has been long after going through a difficult hospital experience on my side, leaving behind my precious little one as I discharged from the hospital, watching him undergo open heart surgery and starting recovery, attempting to balance my time between all of my children in a post-partum state while the world continues to move forward requiring me to deal with all of those little life pieces that don’t stop just because my own heart no longer feels like it is beating inside me.
Yesterday evening I trudged out of the hospital after a couple of hours of standing at Jonathan’s bedside. I moved slower and with more discomfort than one week prior at 9 months pregnant. After making it through a pregnancy with zero swelling, last night my ankles were non-existent and pain stabbed and ached through my entire body.
It was nothing though compared to the pain and ache of the longing to hold my child as I hovered over him watching him breathe, watching for any sign of his pain or recognition of my presence. Both the doctor and nurse on duty had explained there was a possibility by tomorrow afternoon (today) I might be able to hold him. I felt cautiously optimistic, holding excitement and hope at bay as I didn’t think I could bear the disappointment and heartbreak if it ended up taking a few days longer.
The guilt raged within me that this precious babe should have continuously been in my arms being snuggled and loved into this world with his brothers playing cheerfully beside him and not relegated to an hour or two a day of his mom standing by his bed holding the tiny little fingers of the only part of him not covered by tubes and wires.
As I drove home I thought about the fact that I haven’t even known how to pray and I have been relying on the prayers of others. I felt discouraged within myself that I haven’t been able to adequately pray for my children or take any steps forward in faith. Then this song came on the radio and it was like God was speaking directly to me over the fact that I couldn’t quiet my own soul enough to hear His voice.
Today we know that we are strong when we are weak
Today we trust, we overcome
Take every chain that kept us slaves and throw em’ off
We defy our inhibition
Like our middle name is “fearless”
Arms out wide
If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil
We will rise
By your power, we will go
By your spirit, we are bold
If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants
If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions
We walk as lions
Before we face the fight
We know who’s gonna win
We live by faith and not by sight
We don’t want safe and quiet
We don’t wanna run and hide
You’ve already called us fearless
We know you’ve gone before us
So, we take it hard in faith
With every step we take
We know we’ll rise victorious
Jonathan is doing phenomenally well! Those were the words of his nurse last night who has eight years of Cardiac ICU experience. The doctor yesterday placed him at the 90% level of how well kiddos do after the Norwood procedure. God has a magnificent purpose for his life. The prayers of believers every where are holding Jonathan (and us) up through this. We will make it through to the other side. We will walk as lions.
Saul and Jonathan were beloved and pleasant in their lives,
And in their death they were not divided;
They were swifter than eagles,
They were stronger than lions.
2 Samuel 1:23