“They say sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some. And right now, right now I’m losing bad.
I’ve stood on this stage night after night, reminding the broken it’ll be alright. But right now, oh right now I just can’t.It’s easy to sing, when there’s nothing to bring me down. But what will I say when I’m held to the flame like I am right now?” -MercyMe
I’m tired…And I don’t mean I’m entering the homestretch of the third trimester of pregnancy tired (although I am that too). I feel exhausted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, as if I have absolutely nothing left. Most times in life if I’ve begun to feel like this I try to get outside of myself and help someone else who is also going through something tough. I spend time listening to what is going on in friends’ lives and be supportive of them. I find that focusing on others’ needs instead of drowning in my own really helps me to gain perspective, to see the bigger picture and recognize the good things that are happening. Right now though, I can’t even do that. I don’t even have the energy to reply to simple texts from my closest friends. I’ve severely neglected all of my relationships lately. I’ve even told some of the people who are closest to me to stop talking because I cannot deal with their emotions. It’s simply too much for me to carry. Some days I don’t even know how to pray. I feel like a horrible person and honestly there are moments I don’t care how horrible I am because I just can’t.
Other times I find myself spilling all the intimate details of my life to complete strangers or new friends/acquaintances who out of kindness made the mistake of asking me how things are going. There’s a certain element of catharsis to spilling your guts to someone you know absolutely won’t or can’t try to give any input into the disaster of a story you just told them. Other times I find myself getting angry, overwhelmed, and shutting down because of someone asking me things like “what are you going do to do about _________(fill-in-the-blank)” or “what if _______ happens?”
I want to shake them and scream “I don’t know, I don’t know what to do!”
I absolutely cannot deal with the “what ifs” or creating solutions for the heavy situations coming down the road. I know most folks are simply trying to ease their own worry by finding out what my answer is, because generally I do have (at least in theory) a solution or plan for dealing with the problems that may arise for particular situations. Other folks I think are trying to be helpful in bringing up potential situations that might occur, thinking that perhaps it hasn’t occurred to me that fill-in-the-blank could happen. Well, I can’t think of a single thing someone has asked that I haven’t already thought of…and I still don’t have an answer. All I can do right now is take it minute by minute, day by day and sometimes I can’t even do that. Sometimes I shut down and say “I can’t deal with this situation today” and I put it off until tomorrow in an attempt to self preserve and maintain my own sanity.
Now that I am obviously and undeniably pregnant to the casual observer I get approached all of the time in public by well-meaning strangers. Some days it’s nice to hear from a stranger that “you’re glowing” and pretend like this is a run-of-the-mill pregnancy, as if nothing is wrong. Other times a well-meaning stranger engages a little too much and it feels too dishonest or too heart-wrenching to pretend everything is fine and I blurt out the whole story. My apologies to all the people who are now terrified to ever talk to another pregnant woman again because of me.
I was meandering through Costco this weekend on a mission for toilet paper and paper towels. I was annoyed at myself for moving so slowly and feeling like everything hurt – back, hips, feet etc. Then I realized, oh yeah I’m in my final weeks of pregnancy. I have 6 weeks or less left. Not more than 3 minutes later this sweet girl at one of the kiosks asked me when I am due. I told her and she remarked on how wonderful I looked for being that far along and said “oh I bet you’re ready to be finished.” Cue the waterfall of tears. Yes and no. I mean yes pregnancy is hard and by the time you reach the end you are SO READY for it to be over. I did have a little more patience and nostalgia this time around knowing it would be my last pregnancy. However, now, as much as I want to give in to the discomfort and say I’m ready for the pregnancy to be completed, I’m not. I’m not because how in the world can you be ready for a pregnancy to be over when you know that once it is, your baby will begin the fight for his life? How can you be ready for it to be over when you know that’s when the actual hard part begins?
I’ve met a really fantastic community of “heart mommas” whose children have CHD. They’ve shared their experiences and sometimes it’s overwhelming so I have to take a step back. Sometimes I feel silly for my “woe is me” because they’ve survived all of the things I’m complaining about. But that’s the thing, they’ve survived it and they tell me if little ol’ them could do it, then they know I can do it. That tells me that they all have felt just as unprepared and weak as I do. It is amazing to me to watch these women who are still struggling through the thick of some of their kids’ battles, jump in and take time to be supportive of other moms.
I think of my own mom often and of all the things she struggled and fought through for us kids. I don’t know how she did it. Lots of time on her knees in prayer. I look at my own life and know she raised me to be a better mom than I’m being. Even now my family is carrying a huge portion of this burden for me just so that we can survive and I feel helpless to help them.
If I could ask anyone reading this for anything it would be to please keep praying for us. Please pray for strength, grace, insight and wisdom for all of those involved in providing care for my children.
Ethan’s needs require continuous ongoing prayer.
Even though we were told Josiah had less than a 1% chance of requiring surgery for the issue that landed him in the hospital, as it turns out, that is the road we are headed down. Now we are trying to coordinate plans for his care as the time frame begins to bleed into the same time that Jonathan is due to be born and undergo surgery.
I know God can miraculously heal. I know He can provide new organs and new perfectly functioning systems for my children.
Thank you for your prayers and support to everyone out there. Some of you will never know how much your one kind word or gesture (even an indirect interaction with us) got us through a difficult moment.
One thought on “I just can’t…”
Big long HUG! We’re praying in earnest for you and your precious family.